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The story of oh, not tonight darling, I'm much too full…
Gentleman May 1998


"Have another Appam," he urged. "Try this Kozhi Kozambu," he added ladling the biggest piece of chicken in the dish onto her plate, topping her beer mug, and reaching out to hold her hand and gaze into her eyes adoringly, all at the same time.

For the past half-hour, Tania - my woman buddy and I had ignored our male companions to their total disgust and were eavesdropping shamelessly on the goings-on at the next table. Finally when the young man and woman rose up to leave [much to the relief of the men we were dining with], Tania grinned at their retreating backs and said, "Poor sod! If this was meant to be a prelude to a night of amore, he doesn't know what he is in for."


In the old days, when a man wanted to bed a woman, he bashed her over the head and dragged her by her hair to his cave. Today's man however could go to jail for doing that. So he resorts to wining and dining her in the hope that she'll at the end of the date nibble at his earlobe and murmur, "Your place, my place, some place…. Please, any place!"

In the recent past, it has been noticed that one of the subtlest examples of courtship behaviour is performed at a restaurant table. When a woman meets a man and a certain chemistry comes to play, she chooses the restaurant table as the oracle that would answer the 'Whither it goest' question about the relationship.

Is he considerate? [Does he open the door for her?] Is he a bully? [Does he pick a fight with the waiter?] Is he a low-down creep? [Do his fingers, shoe-shod foot et al unerringly seek hers under the table?]

Read a provocatively tossed "How about lunch/dinner/breakfast/tea?"by a woman as a mere invitation to a mating ritual. [The grasshopper is known to play court to table legs.] The last thing on her mind is food. She is there not to gorge on Biriyani, Prawn Noodles or a Pepper Steak. In fact, if she is really hooked, the chances are she'd probably ignore everything that is on the menu and sit there across you with an idiotic soppy look on her face while you tuck into an enormous meal. For if desire makes a man's appetite surge, it does just the opposite for the woman.

But men being men continue to ply women with food and drink as part of the Great Love Making routine. He orders the most exotic dishes on the menu. He tries to impress her with the size of his wallet; his skill with chopsticks; his knowledge of cocktails…. A combination of food, wine, soft music, he believes would find her willing and pliant in his bed. Sometimes women, even if they are totally besotted, can't resist such a stirring combination and succumb. She devours with relish everything that is placed before her. Course after course. Every little crumb.

[Please note here that a woman prefers to do her devouring before unlike the female praying mantis who waits to get the act done with and over, and then promptly eats up her mate]

The man as he settles the bill thinks with a lascivious gleam that she is his to do with as he pleases. However when he comes to her, all ready for the kill, she is fast asleep. For when a woman is replete with food and drink; and is lulled into a state of delirious happiness, an effect brought about by the sum total of the evening, all she wants to do is draw the quilt to her chin, nestle deeper into the pillow and sleep undisturbed.

Now instead if only men would resort to some interesting gastronomic foreplay! Strawberries. Oysters with all toppings, Chicken Tikka, even Appams dunked in a spicy curry, all fed into her mouth with your fingers, you can be sure, are guaranteed to please. If they are not actually better than sex, then they definitely make sex better. [Don't be surprised if she takes you home and puts the chain on after you are inside. However just to be on the safe side, check her freezer]

And you can be sure that since you have only whetted her appetite, she is not going to fall asleep on you. Or, after you have wined and dined her, wooed her into willingness and worked so hard to get her where she is - in your bed, in the manner of O - Heroine of the erotic classic The Story of O by Pauline Réage, she is going to whimper, "I can't… I can't." [ I'm much too full and sleepy.]

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